Indonesia · 45 Days · 6 Moments · August 2017

Rach's journi to Indonesia

15 September 2017

He hasn't touched me for 2 days. I did my hair, put make up on and changed to wear heels. We went out to watch footy. I could feel he didn't want to be there. I have put on weight, I feel like he isn't attracted to me anymore. I don't understand why he is pushing me away and trying to pick fights. "We do what you want, eat when you want", "when you're finished doing what you want that's it we have to go home"????????????????

14 August 2017

Do I book my ticket home or stay? Love paul incredibly and excited by our future. Want nothing more than to start a family with him. But he can make me feel so lonely. I know he is used to being alone and needs to learn what a loving relationship looks like. But his and my own stubbornness is making a difficult situation almost impossible. I can't handle the lows. The highs are great and I feel better than ever but the lows are so low they seem to eclipse the highs. Don't want to give up on him but I need to also focus on me right now. So torn and confused. Need to sleep for a week.

7 August 2017

Today was so awkward. Last night he kept pressing me as to what was wrong. I explained during the afternoon when I would touch or play, the response would be "not now" "what are you doing" "it's relax time" "stop it" etc. Then when it was late and I was tired and feeling crook he hits me up. Today we have barely spoken. Walked to lunch and put laundry in and then when we got home he fell asleep. When we woke up, I put my arm on him to say hi and he snapped "it's hot". He has barely spoken to me and when he does it is short and snappy. He is on his phone constantly. I feel like I'm just wasting my time. I'm sitting around waiting for him to be happy and want to engage with me. Yes I am having trouble adjusting to him and what he likes and doesn't like etc. But he is so used to being alone and not being in a loving partnership. I don't want sex all the time, in fact I don't care about it, but it's the little things, smiling, touching my arm or playing with my hair that say "I love u"

6 August 2017

Made an effort all day today. Did my hair, dressed pretty, didn't let feeling sick hold me back. Made moves and was playful but got shut down and put off all day. There was a moment when he went from saying no to letting go and making an effort, but that didn't last. I waited all day for his love to be returned and when I had given up and my body was tired and my cough ramping up, he decided he was ready. Not sure if that was just because he sensed my disappointment? My mind was other places and it was like going through the motion. My question is, if you are so worried you will lose me, wouldn't you do everything to love me now? When all I ask is to be loved, why would you do everything but?

3 August 2017

Enjoyed cooking with Paul. Received some beautiful messages from him while I was out that made my day. He keeps asking me if I'm looking for someone else or would I replace him for someone else. Makes me feel like he thinks I am a tart that chases men. Really???

2 August 2017

Much better today. Felt more relaxed and calm. Loved waking up last night to paul rubbing my back and telling me he loved me. It was so reassuring. Paul had a bad dream through the night and was crying. He says it was about me leaving and not coming back. It was good to see him vulnerable and so upset at the thought of me leaving. I just wish he would trust that I love him and want to be with him.