It is so cold.. My goodness.. I thought that it was supposed to be getting warmer..
Anyway.. I woke up crying this morning like a baby.. Thought it through.. And it turns out that I was crying because I feel that I don't know how to show the people I love that I love them.. And in turn may lose them because I don't know how to be more expressive.. It's weird.. I know and it's really not a huge problem.. Especially to other people.. But it is to me.. Coz I've messed up many friendships because I got scared when they showed a lot of care and I didn't recognize it.. So now I over think it.. And I don't know how to differentiate between people who care and people who act like they care to get something out if it.. But with God's guidance I can trust that because I trust Him I can trust the friendships I build through Him.. Even though making friends is really not in my forté..
13 June 2018
Fuck.. Being alive is so much effort..
But dying is also expensive..
Like how does it your mother yell you that you don't want advise and that you still want to go to her when you're sick when she's your mother.. Who the fuck am I supposed to go to???
And I do every fucking thing she tells me to do.. She tells me to wear 5 layers of clothing and I wear it.. Even if I know that I sweat at work.. Which I have told her.. Coz where I am is warm.. She tells me that my hair is too open.. So I tie the fucken shit.. She tells me to keep it natural and grow it.. It's fucken natural isn't it???!!! After she told me that I can do whatever to my hair because I pay for my hair.. Like what the actual fuck.. I just need a scream room with a couple of strong bottles and a hubbly and some trees..
12 June 2018
I am not okay..
I feel really suicidal.. Im overly stressed.. I'm worried.. Im concerned.. I'm heart sore.. I'm numb..its too much.. I have no one to talk to coz everyone has their own problems...
Jeez.. It really is starting to feel like death would feel better than this..
If this is how it feels when you try hard to be a good person.. Then I'm not sure if it's worth the effort.. Why does something that supposed to benefit everyone around you feel like such a burden...
5 June 2018
Dear diary.. Ristretto based cappuccino's do taste sweeter than normal espresso based cappuccino..
Sent this to Adri on the 1st of June.. She asked to pray about it first..
I'm just so confused..
I don't know how to voice my emotions.. But all in good time..
Just because people have their perspective of who I am, it doesn't make it true or a lie..
19 May 2018
I understand their concern..
I don't know how to explain what I felt.. Or the lack of feeling..
The switching off..
But I think I got my juice back..
I'm happy again.
Maybe the doctor visits scared me..
7 May 2018
Heart is heavy..
6 May 2018
Thank you God for today.. Met amazing people.. And learnt a lot.. And realized where I wanna go.. Turns out I can think beyond where I currently am.. I'm inspired to want something for myself.. Im not completely sure what it is yet.. But I know it's gonna be amazing.. In thank God for this life.. Even the bad week last week.. Coz it has made me appreciate this new one more..
5 May 2018
I get 😡 sometimes. But I cannot allow that to define me..