Canada · 9 Days · 8 Moments · January 2018

New year new EVERYTHING

9 January 2018

Made school missed saving Keith feeling like shot. I’ll re Wright this in morning.

6 January 2018

Scoups money off his mom just to get some beer. I went silent in the car he knew I was mad which is good. Maybe it’ll start to teach him to fuckin stop ! Anyways we got home and I went off on my own and cleaned the bedroom re organized everything which was nice. Then I did my binder. Then all the clothes washed then the kitchen. Now I’m waiting on the washing machine to keep doing some more debating on the bathroom as well. Tryna keep myself busy and occupied since I don’t want to be around him drinking and such. He offered me one of his two beers and I said no and stayed mad just to show him and myself I don’t need it. Really feeling the same moods I have been for a while now not quite sure how to handle it all yet. Collin moved in today. It’s interesting justice drove him for some cash. Of course he hits liq store soon as he’s done. Big shock. Wondering how many more trips I can take or do. Fuckin stupid makin me madder.

5 January 2018

I put a blanket on him and rolled over... I started staring at him thinking I do truly love him.. so I went to hold his hand.. he pulled his hand away rolled over and held his own hand... I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone in my life honestly ..... times like these make me want to cry so hard. I beg to be a party girl again when this happens ... I always had so much booze I could black out dance on tables feel as sexy as I could get fucked by whoever I wanted to... not to mention endless supply’s of drugs and friends til the people you met one nights binge was over....
Watched Lil man again we had a lot of fun. Still so tired... Justice and faye went at it. It was definitely exaughsting. I’m so tired of it. Of course justice went n got his beer. N then another beer so probably his usual three beers a day. I’m so sick of it. I can’t even tell him about it either beacuse there’s never a right fucking time in his life for me to talk about fucking anything beacuse of everyone else’s drama in his life.... I actually feel so alone ... like I know I’m not alone but I feel so alone so stranded. So worthless every minute of everyday... of course he’s to busy to even really talk to me today which makes things worse. But he’s to stressed out and stuff so my everything goes to nothing and I channel everything down deeper and deeper while it festers til I blow up and cry. I really feel like life’s a fucking game of how much can I take before I snap... sat in the room while justice sat out there he came in hours later... he passed out we didn’t talk or anything so

4 January 2018

Well today me and Alysia had our meeting with everyone it was very nice and all. Then Alysia and me got pedicures and that was lovely had actually a ton of fun. Then I went back to watch Ollie. Then went to justices friend kelsis. That was nice. Now I feel like complete trash. fayes mad about cleaning and her tripping and everything in the world going wrong for her. And justice is mad everyone bugs him and I bug him He needs weed. He’s feeling harsh he’s been needing to help everything. And even tho I’ve been cleaning and cooking and helping everyone helping her text and do everything and now I feel fuckin useless for everything and everyone and all I ever do and I feel like I am is being useless to justice and I don’t help him and I just make everything worse .... same thing as always. Even while I’m getting clean and trying to fix everything I can’t.... once again I’m fucking USELESS....

3 January 2018

Today I saw Claire she wanted to get all deep about everything I didn’t so it wasn’t to much fun. Yet again justice has his one beers day. It’s getting real tiring and idek how to bring it to his attention that I’m so irritated by it. My plans to stay clean and if I were to drink only do it once a week maybe if that. Feeling proud of myself and like it’ll be a new leaf. One to focus on the things I need to do in life and such. Maybe I shall start writing again and making Lists and such of things I want to control. Seems beacuse of my life being so incontrolable I’ve started pushing myself so hard to control everything I can and that’s when I ware myself down to nothing on the plus I finally see that now. Which means I can dull it down and learn to control it in moderation. I’m thinking Of starting today but I’m slightly tired so maybe that will be a tomorrow mission we shall see.

2 January 2018

As I ran around wth Alysia all day my hands infected so I started the meds it hurts slightly less now. Justice drank of course. Starting to get real tired of it. He says he’ll do things and he never does. I don’t know what to do anymore.

1 January 2018

Well this year starts off with a major fucking twist. lmao me sober?! And clean? I mean I’m planning on staying clean but sober hahahah was weird spent the whole day laid up in bed with justice he had a horrible cold the poor babe. So I cleaned cooked and did everything for him and the whole house hold even though I as well was sick. He said he was gunna stay sober so will see how that goes.