Well somehow I have managed to avoid a medical disaster this week. Not the worry that went along with the potential of said disaster but as the numerous tests I had to have done all turned out ok the worry on my part and by my GP was not necessary and I live to fight another day/ week/month/ year or whatever my heart allows me. But gee it was an unexpectedly scary couple of days I didn't need when all I went to the doctor for was my medical certificate for my driver's licence but because I have such a diligent GP she spotted that I looked unwell and just had to find out why. By the time I left her room I had the next few days organised having tests and return appointments and still didn't have my certificate. At least life is never dull but this time it was also getting scary and my number one person to talk things through with is on holiday. As is my number 2 person. The old feelings of panic start to return but I did some quiet breathing and calm thinking to slow that down. All's ok!
23 September 2017
Sorry my followers. I haven't dropped off the planet. Or worse than that dropped into another depressive spiral. I have just been busy with my project of setting up my Creative Cave Jude Space and by the end of the day I may only have achieved tiny steps in the bigger picture of being finished but I am exhausted and collapse into a deep sleep that doesn't allow me the luxury of journal entries. I have made some posters ready to decorate the walks and window spaces. I have startex organising the main workspace although at first glance you wouldn't think it was organised but it is definitely getting there. I actually sat at the table today and it felt good. Can't wait until I actually do something while I am sitting there. I have most of the makings around me so there should be no excuse. Finally got around to making the GP appointment I have been putting off too for next week so it is all go for getting myself organised. AND WE HAD A BRIEF STORM WITH A FEW SPOTS OF RAIN TO END THE DAY.
19 September 2017
Calm down, breathe. Everything can wait!
16 September 2017
Another day spent in the land of nod or was it two? I think I may have missed 2 days along the way somehow. Yesterday I was out to it. Not sure why I slept it away. I have no excuse. Thursday was Roseday and I do know the middle of the day was spent with her so I wasn't asleep then!!! I think I may have had a nanny nap when when we got home that wasted away the rest of the day. No excuse for that. Too relaxed after chatting to Rose I guess. Today I just slept. No excuses. I just slept.I guess my body must need it. It is a bit of a waste when I am feeling so good in myself. I dont mind when I am happy for life to just slip away quickly, but just now there are things I want to get done and all this sleeping is cutting into doing time. I got a new Brene Brown ebook tonight. Her latest Braving the Wilderness. It is fabulous so far and is so related to what I am trying to do with my Project Me. She is a great read. Very wise but funny. A great storyteller who makes you think.
13 September 2017
Missed yesterday and I can't remember why. That might have been the day we realised we are on short rations as far as water goes now until our load of water that Rod finally gave in and ordered will be delivered on October 14. That's over a month and our tank is so close to being empty it isn't funny. I am not using the words 'I told you so!' In our home but I did. I knew this would happen but Rod is the eternal optimist. Last time we ordered water it rained and he had to cancel the order. I am sure he has been expecting the skies to open any day because our tank is lower than low. He is also going to repair the holes that have been leaking for years allowing precious water to seep away and that haven't been able to be fixed because they were below the water level. The gutters are also in his sights so everything is in favour of a massive downpour soon if he starts on these chores.Nothing could bring on the rain quicker than a rain dance in the nuddy by a tribe of indians and NO WAY!!
11 September 2017
I love that table. It has lots of stories to tell and memories to hold in its wood and its family love. I will now use it to support my discoveries of more about myself as I delve into my creative self again. It has supported me before in my younger days as my art table and my sewing table and my jigsaw table and the ideal place for family board games together. Once again more memories. I cherish the things we have done around this old friend with so many scratches now but it holds love in those bumps and bruises and generations of children growing up in love.
Yes,Yes,Yes! I have had some action in the Jude Cave. The table has been uncovered and cleaned up and a tear or 2 shed as memories uncovered in the process. It is a family heirloom. We gathered around it when it was found in Grandma's dining room and it was time for Sunday lunch. We somehow all fitted. Must have been magic but no-one was ever sent to sit at the kitchen table which would have been easy. We all sat around the dining room table together. And always in the same places. I sat next to Grandma and my sister sat on her other side. So special. When they moved to their new home without a dining room Mum got the dining room table because we just got a dining room. We always sat around that table for our evening meal and we each had our own place. We were all sitting around it after church on that Sunday when the hospital rang to tell us that Mum had passed away. The five of us were together. That was lucky as usually we would have been all over the place after church but not then
10 September 2017
Guess what friends. The best laid plans and all that rot. The temptation of the TV got to me again and instead of cleaning wndows and dusting and all of that cleaning lark, I thoroughly enjoyed my annual dose of culture at the Royal Albert Hall with the Last Night at the Proms. I enjoyed my afternoon but not quite as much as the year before last I think it was when they had a woman conductor who was so good and me wrapped around her little finger. She actually conducted all of the Proms in the Park as well as the orchestra in Royal Albert Hall by a link up .It was great. She was so full of life and so obviously loved doing what she was doing. Inspirational. This year's was very good too and the music was beautiful. 🎼🎵🎶♩🎶🎵🎻🎺🎷
I am a master at losing things. Another day gone to the dragon sleep. My boys ( Rod and Ragsy) woke me for a very late brunch and I staggered out for that and fell straight back to sleep before I had my morning coffee or my morning medication so I was woken again for a very late pm tea just before the sun went down of my morning medication and a coffee that should have been my morning coffee if I had been counting. I now have to stay awake until midnight to take my next lot of medication so I don't double dose. I managed that by watching 2 Nanny McPhee movies to my inner child delight! Love watching kids movies at the weekend. Gives me a giggle and a lift.Especially if they have some good English actors in them. Rod did some magic for me in my magic Jude escape room and moved some furniture for me so if I am awake tomorrow I hope to move some dust out, clean some windows and some of my stuff in so I can start doing some of my art journalling etc etc at last. What fun if I wake up .
8 September 2017
The mess Australian Guiding made of Qld's bullying of me and termination of my membership with no explanation or proper investigation. I still get so angry about no one caring about that and how I was treated and how it leaves it open to treat anyone like that now because they got away with it. Just completely wrong and against everything Guiding is supposed to be about and no--one cared . It has made me so sick and I need to look after me now. I am sick of trying to protect an organisation that has just kept kicking me while I'm down Now it is my turn to get some self-care and that might mean making some tough de isions and letting go of some people I thought were friends.
Another quiet day.Our car spent the day in hospital having a service and has given us some cause for concern with a call during the day saying the transmission was showing signs of wear so they wanted to change the transmission oil as well hoping that might give us a bit of breathing space but it really sounds a death knell for the transmission so we might have to start praying to the money gods as a new car might be needed before long. Or maybe that big lotto win might come our way. We do our bit. Just need to win it. Lots of thinking today. Not much doing. Think I will also have to weed my facebook list a bit more. I am still getting myself worked up over Guiding posts which I shouldn't be but I still do. I have let go of the uniforms now so maybe I should let go of the contacts so I don't have that contact possibility to get upset over anymore. I actually sent an apology to the World Board for telling them off for their non- caring attitude towards me when I sort their support over
6 September 2017
Today was gp visit for me and father's afternoon tea with Suzy and Alan. Both successful events. Nothing more dramatic than a suggestion for a different painkiller to replace panadeine that the PM won't let me buy without jumping through red tape soon and plain old panadol just won't touch my headaches so hopefully I have that problem solved now. Together with a freezing attack on a nasty lump that hopefully will now drop off my neck😈. Lovely pm with Suzy and Alan at the Lazy Rabbit at Flaxton. Yummy!!
5 September 2017
After all of this excitement was over and I was back at the reception desk to organise my next appointment I bravely put the query about whether I would need a referral then. The usual receptionist was back and she gave me her usual confusing smile and said no, it appears you have an indefinite referral. You don't have to worry. All that worry over nothing. All that chasing referrals for the last goodness knows how many visits when we have had an indefinite referral all the time. Aaaaargh!!!!! Some of my specialists expect them every visit. Others don't. No wonder my poor brain can't keep up. We ended up at the shopping centre and I was spoilt with coffee and a yummy muffin and a new case for my tablet. We walked and shopped till we dropped then checked the mail before heading home.Altogether a lovely day together. We got out of paying any parking fees at the hospital somehow. Felt like winning lotto. Machine wouldn't read the card and eventually just said we could leave the car park!!
Another specialist visit over and done with. My technology is doing what it is supposed to do and in the words of my cardiologist in charge of my technology it is pacing an awful lot in the upper chamber and not doing much in the lower chamber. That's ok. It's basically doing what it should do considering the wires attached to the different chambers are very old as the technician told me when she checked them out. Guess that means they may be replaced too when my battery gets replaced next time. It is only going to last until late next year and my cardiologist has put me on 6mthly checks to make sure it doesn't run out of puff before then.He is very cautious with me after our fright together when I dropped dead on him. No risks with me now. So I will get the machinery changed next year and he looks closely at the leads while he is inside my chest. He can't remove the old leads so I guess he just pops new ones in and cuts what he can out of the old. Might get a bracelet out of them!!!!
4 September 2017
This angelic little girl, my Rosie, is relaxing in her bed of choice today which is Ragsy's unfortunately and he was forced to share until he realised what was going on and then he took off and found a more dignified bed companion for a handsome black Labrador than THAT CAT - Dad!!! I know which one I would prefer. Rosie is a lovely snuggler who purrs beautifully. The other two snore!!! They suit each other, but they are the best of mates and Rosie won the softest bed. Clever girl! Not sure any of us had a good night as it is now 5pm. The cats and I are still very sleepy and Rod and his mate and left us to go walking. Another day lost. THREE DAYS OF DOCTORS AHEAD OF ME STARTING WITH CARDIOLOGIST tomorrow and I have remembered I don't have the referral I think I probably need. Damn too late now to do anything about it. Will have to play the silly forgetful old lady card with the grumpy receptionist and see if she bites my head off. I see Raewyn the next day but that's a bit late.
3 September 2017
Fathers' Day. We didn't expect to see any of the kids today a they are all away doing their own things. We are proud that they are strong enough to head off together and enjoy each others company. Pete is in Sydney of course. They all contacted Rod of course during the day and Diane couldn't resist driving home from her birdsitting duties to deliver her gift on the day. So Rod had a good day with his kids and I enjoyed watching and listening to him enjoy them. It's a special relationship and my kids have a great Dad. They are lucky like I was.
2 September 2017
LazyI am supposed to be getting on with things that are going to progress my Project Magic Me. Today I put a lot of close study into the reverse side of my eyelids yet again. RAGS brought me some mail that was disappointing and proved that on-line shopping is not a skill I have developed and in spite of my rants and raves I didn't get what I wanted so I send them back on Monday and sever my connection with that mob who assured me that all our problems had been sorted out. As soon as my final package from them arrives they will be deleted from my computer as I promised them they would be if they didn't sort things out properly in my final international tantrum that they seemed to ignore and obviously did. I did get one thing I wanted so that was ok. We shall see if the other arrives. I am not hopeful. My mood is ok in spite of this little drama. Just serves me right as I did tell myself not to use on-line shopping but I see the kids doing it so easily and so successfully I can do this.
An unexpectedly busy day after a slow start. Not a good night with lots of tossing and turning and not much zzzzzz's so when 5am came and still no zzzz I figured my plan to cheerfully go shopping with Rod early might just go by the by. Rosie arrived àbout then for her morning cuddle and then settled down for a sleep which was all I needed to knock me out for a few hours.When I emerged Rod was also struggling to wake and complaining about not getting any sleep as were the other 2 cats and Ragsy so there must have been something in the air at our place. We had our breakfast and I nodded off during my porridge much to Pumpkin's disgust as he was waiting with beautiful manners for his spoonful. Rod woke me so Pumpkin wouldn't starve and suggested I stay at home while he went to the shops so I held the spoon for Pumpkin while Rags waited to lick the bowl. Glad I got my share first! Coffee would have to wait. I definitely wasn't awake enough to drive the cup to and from my mouth safely.
31 August 2017
Missed yesterday which was Roseday. My head hit my pillow with great intentions to put together my next Magic List but my body had other ideas and it crashed on me instantly almost as soon as my cpap machine kicked into action so my Magic List - notice change of name - is my number one priority before I head to bed tonight.
👀Focus on your new project YOU 🙄
💡Be more positive in everything I think, say, and do.
💡Make vanilla slice (leftover challenge from last list, a "never give up" option).
💡Set up Jude Cave Art/Create It Area.
💡Start Art Journal (at last)!!!!
💡Start THAT TSk&c book (at last)!!!!!!
Lots of abbreviations in this list that mean something to me . I won't explain to many so don't ask unless I volunteer the info or you understand my coding system. This Magic List may not have a definite closing date but I will work on my project into the future and beyond. My 2nd Roseday is 5th Oct - the day before my birthday. An appropriate day to reflect.
29 August 2017
Sleeping is catching. My Pumpkin has succumbed in his favourite spot on a cooler night but he was snuggly warm. My Rosie and I also had a major sleep-in and, you guessed it, missed the school bell so my best intentions to get there this morning went down the tube. The stabbing pain behind my eyes that finally greeted me along with Ragsy's slobbery kiss, were a bit much for rushing around in achievement mode today so another quiet rest day was in order and a phone call from Suzy was a welcome distraction as she tried to organise us for Fathers Day get togethers next week rather than on the day itself. No problem for us as we don't have to fit in with any other fathers any more. Maybe a trip to the cemetery but no-one there gets put out if you are late. I just want more sleep now. Maybe I am overdosing on it or using it to escape again. Who knows?
28 August 2017
It didn't turn into trifle and the drongo responsible for the cooking forgot an ingredient essential for helping it to rise to its proper size as well as preheating the oven so having to wait for that didn't help either, and then my mock cream was a minor disaster but Rod came to thè rescue as I slipped into my rabbit hole and produced jam and real cream to top the poor old excuse for a cake and we had an afternoon tea never to be shared outside the inner family but tomorrow I'll try the other challenge from my showbag and see what sort of a mess I can make of idiot proof vanilla slice. That'll be it for my showbag then. And my damn list.
27 August 2017
Nothing to report as my intentions to challenge myself in the kitchen fell flat as did my mood. Try again on the morrow. Can't sustain my better moods. See what tomorrow brings. Only two full days left until Roseday so I will have to do something or my to-do list will become a no-go list. Or a half-heart list or something.can't count all of Tues. as I have vague intentions to go to school but they can be changed depending on the way the wind blows so to speak!!😵
Oh dear. Now another precious thing is lost. A whole day!! YESTERDAY!! Woke up and it was dinner time. I had missed out on my breakfast and my lunch!! Quite confused. Didn't know what day it was until I realised Diane was cooking which she always does on Saturday night. All of this confusion just reinforced my realisation, after days and days of fruitless search for my precious, that I am truly useless and hopeless and untrustworthy. Many silent tears shed. BUT also legacy of many surprises found in now tidy drawers and cupboards and I know they won't last in that condition but it's nice for a minute or two. I crossed off 2 things from my list Halfway there. Only kitchen stuff to go. Maybe later today if I get to sleep at all before breakfast.I truly don't like this but I have to work it out and writing it out isn't helping so I had better say goodbye for now and try something using less brain. Nightie Night.😪
24 August 2017
An upturn in mood tonight after sleepy day thanks to that magic pills leftover effects and also the fact that I am halfway to achieving the second thing on the dreaded list. Only have to package it up and send them on their way. Hooray. So relieved. Only the cooking to do and I will have beaten the list into total submission. Rod is dropping me at school tomorrow to go to the dress-up parade for Book Week and to check out the Library decorations while he does the shopping. While I am eating my breakfast I will have to quickly check my recipes and add to his shopping list if we are out of anything important. Nothing can stop me now I am on a roll. Scary isn't it. Yes you guessed it. The mood has improved to good.
23 August 2017
Tonight I have quite literally collapsed into bed exhausted. Mood very low. Little achieved as I set out to work on my List but was too easily diverted to a search or something very precious I seem to have lost. During the so-far fruitless search for it my bedroom is getting a thorough spring clean so that is a huge plus. My dressing table is in shock after appearing from under the coat of dust it has been hiding under and its drawers have revealed some treasures including lots of baby teeth. I wonder if I could make a killing on the tooth fairy market if I tried putting them all under a pillow at once an see if they can be cashed in twice in their lifetime. She was a bit careless leaving them behind somewhere I could find them. Found a couple of journals from one of the roughest times I went through. Read through them and the tears came again as they revealed a bit about the effects it had on my kids.Mood has not been at all good since reading that.Have resorted to magic pill to help.
Success with first task in list through to completion with confirmation from Neil and thanks for the photos. He hadn't had a chance for a good look as he was at work and they were still coming (3 or 4 emails in total I think) but he said he would reply in more detail later so I look forward to that. I am thinking about trying to contact Wendy myself again and use these photos as the launch pad for the contact so to speak. Might just break the ice. Put it on my next to-do list.IF I EVER GET THROUGH THIS ONE.
No more progress today. Another sleepy day fighting pain and headaches. Mood not good but better than yesterday. Just can't shake this damn headache and am trying to do it without overdosing with drugs this time. That can get a bit dicey at times as I am in charge of those pills and I am not as careful as I should be with how many I take if the headache doesn't co-operate. Not as bad as I was when they were migraines. Must have nearly killed myself back then sometimes.naughty!!!
22 August 2017
Lost count of which day I am at which is a bit indicative of my mood as well today. Very cross with myself. One of the few things that I go out of my way to attend because for a few minutes I can be absolutely sure of some undiluted joy in my poor excuse of a life is the times MY CHOIR performs. I have known for weeks if not months that today was the day and the delightful music teacher and choir leader has sent me more than one reminder that it was on and I replied that I would be there. I told my other half I would need his help to drive me there and he was fine with that. I arranged my wake-up time and I woke up hours too early and dropped off again only to sleep through the designated choir performance time completely and not even realize I had missed it until I struggled awake in time for brunch. I quickly sent apologies to school for my absence and dissolved into tears instead of the paroxisms of joy that the choir usually brings. Mood hits a low that I am now so familiar with.
21 August 2017
Gold medal for procrastination as far as to- do lists go Juse . Hopeless. D- would be the rating you deserve so far my girl. See what happens tomorrow.
Today was a goner once Mary Poppins came on TV. That practically perfect movie got me in for the goodness knows how many times I have watched it and my short day was gone. Another long sleep in made for a short day.
Apart from my disappointment in my own inability to make myself do the simplest things in my to-do list (not the cooking challenges) I have maintained my mood with only a slight drop due to that annoyance. Will give it another go tomorrow. Trouble is I keep mentally adding other things to that list but I am not writing them down until I start crossing things off.
Perhaps I'll have to reward myself with something each time I finish something - or even just start something!! Maybe a dip into my Show Bag?? Mmmm Might have to check the blood sugars and hop on the scales to monitor that side of things before I get too excited.
20 August 2017
Woke up and found Diane missing. Rod had only just woken and didn't know how she was or where she 1as. Good nurse he proved to be. Her bedding was piled on the couch so we assumed she has taken herself either shopping or to the doctors or both so we set about finding breakfast and waiting to see what the day brought worried parents. Not long before Ragsy alerted us to her imminent return. He always knows when a family car is approaching before we do. She had done her shopping and visited the doctor. Our diagnosis last night was wrong. She has the flu. So I will be keeping my distance from my sick darling in spite of the vaccine I have had while she recuperates at home for the time off she has been given to rest. She is much better than she was last night and has gone to sleep in her own bed tonight. Hopefully she will have a better night. My day achieved nothing except to retain a reasonable mood level which for me is good and considering I am feeling very tired and did nap a lot is +
19 August 2017
I am exhausted from doing very little yet again. No advances on my To-Do List but we did go out for dinner with Rod's cousin from Vic. And his brother and our sister-in-law to the RSL and we all enjoyed a great meal together before ending up at Graham's for coffee and talking and reminiscing together about times gone by. Lots of laughs and teasing and finding more out about the Coombs family. I enjoyed a couple of glasses of a nice red as Rod gave me his share of the dinner wine and I am still feeling the relaxing glow from that lovely drop as I drift off to sleep. Sadly when we got home poor old Diane has succumbed to her old nemesis tonsilitis so she and Rod are sitting up together like nights of old when she was little and had croup, hoping the company helps her to sleep through the pain. Sometimes I feel totally useless as a mother as well as everything else!Tonight I am better in my own bed. It will be my turn in the morning although I hope we can find her a doc asap.
18 August 2017
DAY ONE OF THE REST OF MY JOURNEY
A NEW START WITH MY TO-DO LIST:
☡Send photos to Neil
☡Send shirts to C.S.
☡Try cooking Grandma's sponge cake/trifle
☡Make vanilla slice yum!
Deadline 30 August 2017.
Report to Rose on success of To- Do List.
🐼 Starting Journal
🐰Setting some goals