United States of America ·
45 Days ·
69 Moments ·
17 January 2017
Yesterday I went so far as to tell mom that her choices were to go to the cemetery and dig another hole for herself where to go on with her life and she had responsibility to herself her talents and her family and she understood but you're such a wall of grief that it's almost impenetrable
Went down to breakfast and mom is sobbing I said hello she says good morning Andrew and then back to subbing this is her new normal sobbing many times a day nothing I say seems to help very much maybe a little
9 January 2017
I've been trying to teach Mom the computer after dinner and she can't even understand something as simple as drag-and-drop even after she does it she just looks at it and it doesn't register it's incredibly frustrating. I've also been staying up late with her listening to her talk about dad and how shall never see him again and never hold his hand and he's cold in the box and it's very painful for me and she just isn't moving forward very fast
20 December 2016
Dreamt that I was showing Benjamin how many push-ups I could do and dad was sitting across to me at the table smiling and looking amused and approve
17 December 2016
Matthews here. We met with the attorney and the accountant today. They were a couple forms to sign such as the probate but neither one of them was very helpful in providing concrete information. They didn't seem to be in any hurry to wrap things up. Mom and Mattero are upstairs now for the last two hours on the computer. No dinner yet. We look through a lot of mail.
16 December 2016
I have to go to Newport today for my dermatology appointment, the bank, mail a package, and I was going to try and see Butch and do some of my own things but looks like there may not be time for that.
And $60,000 bank transferred to Philippines failed and I have to go do it again today. Apparently you have to put a purpose why the money is being sent.
Momis concerned about my weight loss but I reassuring her that is intentional. I only eat one meal a day now and just a few fruits for lunch. Most the time I don't feel hungry anyway.
Trying to honor dad by behaving properly. My fears of contamination there always a problem. Maybe I can order him by trying to ignore those.
I have a job interview last night for half time job near Melbourne which sounded ideal. But trying to figure out how to get that going with the infertility is a huge problem. I still feel guilty when I realize that sometimes I think it would just be there to get a new wife.
Yesterday I finally had to take time for myself and spent the whole afternoon renewing my Florida license doing three hours of CME filling out questionnaires and paying the bill. That's computer is set up with Numbers and Pages and so it's hard for me to keep my other things up-to-date.
There are so many distractions. Hardest time seems to be laying in bed and waking up in the morning and realizing it's another day without dad and there's no choice but to face it. Mom realizes this tonight very impressed with your abilities to cope.
Trying to get the card sort it out is been a huge distraction. Did Bula Kessler be returned. Explorer has to be returned. She's getting a new car. Insurance has to be contacted. The registrations on the return cars have to be canceled. The contract had to be reviewed on the new car. I negotiated about 500 or more reduction.
The Macy aided lady at the laundry recognize me. She said that was so nice. Then we started crying when I said that there had to be a better way than to people you love to disappear like that to be taken from you.
Spending the evenings talking with mom. She's repeating the same stories over and over. Let me know if you said that would've been miserable at Holman often emergency room and it wouldn't of been a nice way to go. The dad died right in front of her. But Dr. Weiner and Dr. Bierer thought that had limited time. She was she's known that that had so little time left.
13 December 2016
I feel a slight resentment against myself because I also hold that against Irene. I can't help but think I didn't wait long enough and I could wait find the perfect girl. And then I think about beautiful she is how much she loves me how well she listens course the best sex ever
Tuesday the 13th a week since the funeral is hard to believe I'm so comfortable in the house still waiting for dad to come home. Having fantasies of marrying the perfect girl just the way I did a teenager.
Close to mom but still a slight resentment she doesn't appreciate Irene because Irene is not well educated.
11 December 2016
Phone: I wish I believed in heaven then I would see my father again. I wish I believed in heaven and the pain would go away. I wish I believed in heaven they wouldn't have to work so hard here on earth because I don't believe in heaven and all I have is today
Tried calling Henry doesn't even go back he's funny that way you can depend on him and then just when you think you really can depend on him he doesn't come through for the little things
Tomorrow would like to exercise and clean some things up and clean myself up and then I'll have to work on dad's passwords and I got a fair amount of my own work to do
Asmus Butch how much I should drink. Drinking that the French in with Kerr puts me out and takes the engine off he said the right thing that it's personal.
Dropped Irene at the airport. Still feel terrible when distracted by a waitress or something like that. She so concerned about me even worrying about Ginger. I cried again dad irene and Mom and maybe my brother is really love me now one of that group dad is gone certainly love me as much as mom
So concerned about contamination Bestos to taking a word I guess we can't help but want to run to the bathroom at five below on something or feel something or touch something
10 December 2016
Irene leaving tomorrow and I'll drive her to the airport and drop her off and then I'm stuck cleaning up that stuff doing passwords trying to sort out his business affairs and all his accounts not to mention my own. I still have plane tickets to sort out. I need to buy a plane ticket for myself to return to Phoenix. Then I need another ticket to return here.
She's so fat and make such a big deal about her being gluten-free but then she's perfectly happy to stuff her self stuff her face with the gluten free doughnut I think I find it disrespectful to David that she should act that way in and take no care whatsoever of herself
And here we are without him services last night it was kind of miserable for me and I always end up feeling contaminated making me feel more miserable even at home and Madison Street I'm irritable. Sarah David's wife has no table manners it's just astounds me and I find it very offensive she also says stupid things but on the good side she actually fix the my cell phone and she bought a book from mom about you forgot to bring it
We are slowly excepting that he's gone but none of us can really believe it in our hearts. He was so vibrant and so caring and I want to cry if I just think about it. It's even become painful telling people about it because it brings up the feelings again and it's like oh no not this story again where were you last week when it was new it's just over and over the same story how wonderful that was in telling it now sometimes there's not even any emotion just to let them know and bring them up
Less crying today for everyone though I'm still teary-eyed frequently. We had maybe 15 or 20 cards in the mail yesterday and today mom read them all of them saying wonderful things about dad. We are all happy with his life we always shoot had been longer. We are slowly excepting that he's gone but none of
Shiva a seven day play how the characters change during the play One character hates God for the death of the father and eventually comes around. There's a new character the new windows that shows up mysteriously. Other characters change the week. We learn about the man who died but we never see him. Not everyone is left at the end of the seven days his children have returned to work or other commitments a few last ones have bonded in ways they could not previously imagined.
9 December 2016
I will send a video of his three-year-old having his third birthday. He doesn't know how lucky he is to have a lovely child.
Spent an hour at the bank with Irene to transfer the funds to her account she'll check her account in the morning and see if there's any funds there. This will be for the property in Pampa anger that's not on the beach
The new job came up today half time in Melbourne that was pretty exciting but who knows. We'll see if they call. No further news from budget today so that was great. I also set up my work schedule and will try and work six more days before the end of the year and then move out and then back here.
I clean the car but not the window because I can't lower the window because the car is running yet. Irene says I already clean the car before we left and I don't even remember. Mom is doing better and better and tonight we talked about at least the next few months and she was very positive but she would like to settle down and doesn't really know what to do. I think it's impossible to know what to do it's even possible for us to know what to do
Irene did a wonderful job with the transliteration and repeated the words with the gusto even though she didn't understand them. She was very sincere and it actually helped a lot. Someone gave her the transliteration assuming she wasn't Jewish probably because she's obviously Asian.
We went to synagogue with mom and David and it was nice to do the prayers and one of them kind of made me think of that and I got a little tearful. But I wasn't comfortable the rabbi has an autistic son and he was pacing back-and-forth in front of the congregation the whole time and various other things made me feel contaminated. I really couldn't wait to leave. But irene was wonderful and the repeated the Hebrew words with the trans
The poem I want to write is titled: I wished I believe in heaven.
I went out for a run this morning in the wind was blowing probably 20 kn and it was freezing. I saw the Siegel again and had a little twinge but not too bad. And the way back I was stepped on him and he just seemed like garbage. He wasn't my father anymore.
I had a lot of aggravation today with Blum and trying to readjust irene schedule because they wouldn't call back and when they finally did the person called couldn't help. Then I had aggravation about the rental car with the lady basically threatening me. It's all meaningless in the big picture but in the little picture kind of annoying.
Call the attorney was there but I didn't have a chance to speak with him. Mom is getting more animated. Although tonight she was clearly exhausted. I think that's a good thing because maybe she'll get some sleep. She's been writing letters to dad every night about what happened during the day. I think it's great and good for her to communicate with dad and hopefully she won't feel so lonely.
Irene read the prayer is with me using the transliteration the English version she didn't excellent job and I was very impressed by her and sincerity and participation it was heartwarming. The woman came home and worked in dad's office for 20 years but it must've been started 50 years ago or maybe 40. She knew the office when it was the old mill building. She won the lottery million bucks and she told stories about that she had to move out of town because so many people were harassing her.
Which and Henry came and stay late till 1030 it was wonderful. We can't came and did a nice service. There again there were many many people. We got there a little late because we pick the Boston chicken. It was the session from 2 to 4 and then again 7 to 9. We're all feeling a little bit better.
8 December 2016
I am enjoys the company with all the stories any relaxing did Seigels anyway but today this was special very upsetting
I went running this morning just to try and exercise a little bit didn't go far it's pretty chilly out about 40°. As I ran along the seawall it was a Siegel but it's wingspread did Mystic died just last night or the day before it still looked fresh. Looks like a full on angel. Thought of dad and started crying
Irene had to talk quite a bit to people as they asked her questions and she did a great job. Hearing was just a little bit broken and I think that this will be blood trouble understanding but that she got her point across which were very fundamental and always correct. People could see how smart she was. I was very pleased with that.
Tomorrow hoping that Butch Henry in the room the other rabbi Rabbi Koffman will come. It could be a very fun afternoon. We're celebrating dad really. He would be so happy with all the attention. Renalyn and I stop to think about it and then went to cry. Tonight we talked with Mary Wilson who is married to Arnold who is 25 years older than her and their marriage lasting only six months because on a diet. That was like a father to her. She talked to mom for hours.
It looks like there's hope that this might actually work out when I return to active life rather than Misery is a grieving widow. You weren't too many people attending this afternoon but then tonight again that was a big crowd. This included the Filipino contingent. I gave the rabbi a copy of my book until the check amount. Also I'd like to discuss the essays with him. Again I told him the story and he missed the point just like last night. He asked a good question but it really was pertinent to the main point of the story.
David's been here a week already and I'm trying to do the schedule I'll be with mom next week but I like to go back and do some work and then leave them again and he be stockroom was two weeks but tonight mom said that she would actually go to Boston. So I think that might work out. And I can come and be here for January.
Mom said when she saw dad being lowered into the grief she felt like she should be there with them. It was off. Yet tonight I somehow much perkier and he was even thinking of doing some of her artwork and excited about doing something's and I got a little angry that she was getting over Dad so fast.it's clear I can't be satisfied.
7 December 2016
It's even very strange that when someone comes in and they say oh I'm so sorry and it's like oh yeah you're kind a late to the party we've already we Vertie had that discussion about 50 times but it's nice to see dad and mom's old friends and they have so many dear friends
First day after the funeral very tired at 4:30 Matthews gone Saunders gone drop the boys off at school in the airport respectively finding it very helpful to have all the visitors talking about that very distracting and it's nice to have all these reminders of how dad made such an impact in the neighborhood in with so many people
When I told mom I wasn't gonna leave her and I would be here all of next week she lit up like a like a candle your whole face glued. She said oh we'll have so much fun. I don't want to be a replacement for dad but I guess right now Your children are all she has
When I think of a beautiful girl I get uncomfortable if it's anyone but irene. I'm trying to ignore it. I still have proms of contamination. I wish I knew how to make myself happy. Paragraph I'm very impressed with Butch and Henry for showing up and showing such a sincere compassion. I wish I had more friends and I wish I was closer to the ones I have.
The funeral is just yesterday and already it seem like some nightmare from a week ago or maybe a year. I woke up this morning and is soon as I started thinking of that start crying. Afraid to stop crying because I don't want to stop thinking of him. I have no idea what to do with my job situation and would rely on dad but at this point ultimately I guess it doesn't even make any difference.
6 December 2016
Irene was the maid doing the dishes behind the scenes in helping out in the kitchen and Saundra helped a little bit as well. I did have a talk with the Rabbi and about my interfaith marriage and irene actually answered the rabbi directly to his questions and you could see that she's much smarter than she looks
I find distraction works for me so that I'm not thinking about that every minute. I can think about new software or tell a story and try to forget about it for a while at least in the bursting into tears every five minutes. I didn't eat all day but I did eat a fair dinner.
No I didn't forget everything I said and everything they said about that was good and so all the stories were good because everything that I did was good it was a day all about dad. I wish we had done more like that. It looks like mom will be OK but it's so sad that it's so painful for her list so but so bad for the rest of us
So he did not even charge David for the newspapers as a gift for dad at a respect
Mom was much better today I even think I saw her laugh once there were so many people in the house probably at least 15/100 at the funeral I knew that that would attract many people everyone from the office came and mom was very pleased with that everyone told such wonderful stories about dad
David told an amazing story how he went to buy you went to the corner store and saw he'd who's from Syria told gave his condolences and said how dad was a regular customer that had been so helpful to him and he appreciated his counsel. It was just an example of that related to everyone and was so generous. This was just a guy behind the counter who so that his daily newspapers that he and dad had obviously formed a close enough relationship that he recognize David V Ko and he only had seen him ever once before
It was good to hear also David's talk even though short and Matthews both of which were different than mine Mathew talked about that's reliability and dependability but also his rise and shine in the morning I had forgotten about that he used to say that he used to come in and wake us up they rise and shine and we had to get up and get dressed for school and it was always hard because I did like to wake up in the morning and dad was always a chipper and wide-awake not eating too many hours of sleep
My presentation skills I kicked in when I gave my talk and I was calm and slow and paused in my delivery was very good many many people congratulated me after it was only at the end of the talk when I had to say goodbye to dad that I started to cry. But everyone said that dad would've been proud and that the sentiments I expressed were wonderful probably at least 15 people came up to me
But seeing the coffin in the synagogue really upset me the reality of it at the gravesite you have to put shovel dirt on the coffin which was bad enough but first you start with the shovel upside down to show that you don't really want to do it but when I turn the shovel over and put the first dirt in and it hit the coffin with this thought it was the most horrible horrible sound that dad was really gone
The funeral reinforce the reality of dad's death. Until now it is just been hard to believe that it even happened. When David who worked for the funeral home told me that dad's cough and was in the sanctuary I couldn't believe it and when I went into see it it was very upsetting. Somehow the idea of dad's death for me was abstract but seeing the coffin in the sink
I still can't really believe he's gone and that this is happening. And I feel that the worst is yet to come with her alone after all the Tamoka visitors and activity around the funeral. Work hard to find someway to get your act down in the loneliness
It's the morning of the funeral and I'm completing my little speech. It's it's coming together but I can't believe I'm even doing it the whole process seems unreal I've imagined it. Just a novel in writing. Or some stress because I don't have the right clothes team is terrible and it's meaningless. Still can't really believe
5 December 2016
I realize there are a lot of moving parts but But if the plane could be delayed 30 minutes couldn't dad's passing and got another 30 minutes to
But I don't mind that so much I had 61 years with
4 December 2016
I tried to reassure mom this morning that dad would want us to go on with her life and the productivity happy even if we have to do it without it. I am worried about her. We're going to be spending a lot of time together it's not gonna be fun.
We're home in Fall River. When I'm when I'm alone it hits me. I'm sitting in the den. Everything is there except that he supposed to be here. He was always there for me. He's the most dependable person in the world
Matthew and David a really great they're doing everything to be helpful.
Mom keeps bursting into tears and now I am too
Everyone is coming like it's a big reunion except it's for a funeral. Dad would be so happy to have everyone here but he'll miss it.
Little frustrated with this girl because I've been dictating some things and never get recorded. I think there's a limitation of the space for each dictation. Twice I've already relayed a big scene in the hallway where I cried and a woman came up to me and expressed your regrets must've looked so pathetic I didn't really feel comfortable crying in front of the family so what is my role to be the strong one but both Matti and David were choking back tears colluding me mom said at the bedside for at least two hours if not three or four would leave dad is dead it felt like any minute he would just open his eyes but he never did
Laying on the couch at David's mom is in the bed in the next room she wanted me to sleep in the same bed with her because she didn't want to be alone insisted on sleeping on the couch I talked to Irene was kind of flat on the phone we think she's in shock also I was expecting her to be more encouraging to me
It's just impossible to believe that that is gone he's been with me my whole life I depend on him more than anyone I have to come up with some things to say for the funeral and of course I feel contaminated from time to time here with the hospital so aggravated with myself
Mom right away wanted to write the obituary to think about that and she knows it has to get done but gives her way to hold onto dad and she keeps trying to create narratives of what happened trying to make some sense out of it repeating the same things. I'm just happy he didn't suffer. I'm just so happy that he didn't suffer but we will and she will and I don't know what to do except not to leave her alone
3 December 2016
Dad died. I walked through the door and he's just laying there and they told me that he just had a cardiac arrest. Is Leica twilight zone episode where I walk through the wrong door. Feeling guilty if I don't cry but I'm in the hallway now and I'm crying i'm trying to call irene and she doesn't answer I don't know why. Lots of pretty girls walking by feel guilty for looking at that. But again believe Ted left. He died just minutes before I got here. Apparently had a good day and he was getting better. He went into VTEC they did in arrested they didn't come back and is it like me are getting colder. Mom did you all leave them with the worlds the cooler room and she won't go and I don't want to go to only one there versus guy in the world. I knew you would be so happy if I read it I have a baby I want it to be so proud know is it will never happen. I don't know what to do with mom. There's nothing to do